ageha: Made@Jounins (Ohkura ★ Park)
[personal profile] ageha

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a person that gets stressed easily – one thing out of place, breaking my perfect plan, and I’ll freak out. I am terrible when out of my comfort zone, because I lose all confidence – and then worry, and stress and get depressed, and so on. But paradoxically, I am the kind of person who always has a thousand of projects at the same time because otherwise she feels usual. I always have enough time to check my stuff, but sometimes even that feels more of an obligation that an enjoyment – it’s a tiredness that is more mental than physical. Sometimes I wonder why I do all of these – for what purpose, where do they fit in the greater scheme of things. But most of the time, I’d rather not think – because what will I do if things don’t fall into the right places?

I plan ahead. I like to keep my options open, but not get too enthusiastic – if I get too excited and things end up not being like I had planned, I crash down. I don’t accept “change” easily – because I can’t change that, I’d rather avoid getting to attached to anything. Not knowing what will come scares me, but so does the fear of losing the “now” for a future that will move forward at the same pace that I walk towards it.

This semester I have 5 subjects at uni plus one virtual one – I have to participate in forums, write a paper every 15 days and do a final project. I am also working at a lab in a uni’s department – which basically means that I have to have lunch at uni every single day, given that if I don’t have mandatory lab I go to help to that one. But because most of the work is done in the morning, I always feel like I’m a drag – I0m the younger, therefore the most inexperienced one, plus I can’t keep to date because of my schedule. My supervisor and coworker are very nice and friendly, but I have this feeling like… I don’t belong there. Like my presence is totally accessory. Which sadly, is probably true – and I let it get to me. I have also taken English on Saturday mornings so I can prepare for the Proficiency exam this December. The course (and the exam) are both really expensive, so I need to pass this one. Which brings me to the fact that I’m taking lessons for my driving exam, which are even more unreasonably expensive. Those are even worse in the sense that there is not a fixed amount of classes – I need to take them until I’m good enough. And I’m a terrible, horrible driver – I think I could have killed myself like ten times already. And knowing this makes me more anxious, which in turns makes me be tense and make more mistakes and then more classes. I feel really frustrated – because I know it’s all in my head and that what I need is to relax and not worry about money issues. But I can’t help it – the guilty feeling is rooted too deep in me.

I’ve also started a diet. I think I’m mostly doing it because I want to prove something to myself – and maybe to those who always looked down on me when I was a teenager. I don’t stress to much over it, either, in the sense that I won’t reject going out for dinner just so I can keep it, but if I’m at home I try to follow it the best I can. It’s not being too traumatic on me – I love veggies and chicken, so if I0m not contemplating an alternative it’s relatively easy. I can’t say I’m dropping weight steadily – sometimes I win, others I just maintain my weight – but in general I’ve lost. I’m currently at 63 kg (being 174 cm tall) and I’ve settled 59 as a goal – kind like a symbolic number. Let’s see how this goes.
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ageha: Made@Jounins (Default)

October 2010

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