The sky is no ordinary shade of grey

[ageha]

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a person that gets stressed easily – one thing out of place, breaking my perfect plan, and I’ll freak out. I am terrible when out of my comfort zone, because I lose all confidence – and then worry, and stress and get depressed, and so on. But paradoxically, I am the kind of person who always has a thousand of projects at the same time because otherwise she feels usual. I always have enough time to check my stuff, but sometimes even that feels more of an obligation that an enjoyment – it’s a tiredness that is more mental than physical. Sometimes I wonder why I do all of these – for what purpose, where do they fit in the greater scheme of things. But most of the time, I’d rather not think – because what will I do if things don’t fall into the right places?

I plan ahead. I like to keep my options open, but not get too enthusiastic – if I get too excited and things end up not being like I had planned, I crash down. I don’t accept “change” easily – because I can’t change that, I’d rather avoid getting to attached to anything. Not knowing what will come scares me, but so does the fear of losing the “now” for a future that will move forward at the same pace that I walk towards it.

This semester I have 5 subjects at uni plus one virtual one – I have to participate in forums, write a paper every 15 days and do a final project. I am also working at a lab in a uni’s department – which basically means that I have to have lunch at uni every single day, given that if I don’t have mandatory lab I go to help to that one. But because most of the work is done in the morning, I always feel like I’m a drag – I0m the younger, therefore the most inexperienced one, plus I can’t keep to date because of my schedule. My supervisor and coworker are very nice and friendly, but I have this feeling like… I don’t belong there. Like my presence is totally accessory. Which sadly, is probably true – and I let it get to me. I have also taken English on Saturday mornings so I can prepare for the Proficiency exam this December. The course (and the exam) are both really expensive, so I need to pass this one. Which brings me to the fact that I’m taking lessons for my driving exam, which are even more unreasonably expensive. Those are even worse in the sense that there is not a fixed amount of classes – I need to take them until I’m good enough. And I’m a terrible, horrible driver – I think I could have killed myself like ten times already. And knowing this makes me more anxious, which in turns makes me be tense and make more mistakes and then more classes. I feel really frustrated – because I know it’s all in my head and that what I need is to relax and not worry about money issues. But I can’t help it – the guilty feeling is rooted too deep in me.

I’ve also started a diet. I think I’m mostly doing it because I want to prove something to myself – and maybe to those who always looked down on me when I was a teenager. I don’t stress to much over it, either, in the sense that I won’t reject going out for dinner just so I can keep it, but if I’m at home I try to follow it the best I can. It’s not being too traumatic on me – I love veggies and chicken, so if I0m not contemplating an alternative it’s relatively easy. I can’t say I’m dropping weight steadily – sometimes I win, others I just maintain my weight – but in general I’ve lost. I’m currently at 63 kg (being 174 cm tall) and I’ve settled 59 as a goal – kind like a symbolic number. Let’s see how this goes.

Comments

[skycouldfall.livejournal.com]

from my experience, it really is all in your head. it's all on phycological level. but beating that is the hardest part. :/ ganbatte. ♥

[girlearthless.livejournal.com]

I love you ♥

Many of the things you write here I've had experience with too (struggling with being okay with any sort of ambiguity or uncertainty, when things go awry, facing change and new situations, etc), and I think it's great you can identify them. And you don't necessarily have to change all of it - these are quirks that make you you, as long as they don't impinge on your well-being. We can both work on these things together! Ganbatte! I'm really proud of you too for taking on all this coursework and volunteering in labs and actively taking steps to ensure that you'll reach your goals.

[therese-chan.livejournal.com]

Stress is something that just really keeps adding up. I've been dealing with a lot of stress lately and I'm working towards getting better at handle it.
I think a good thing could be to be very, very strict when it comes to study hours. Even if you feel like things are just adding up, you need to make yourself rest sometimes, because otherwise the stress will just add up and then you can't be productive.

Also... ♥

[fuyukoi.livejournal.com]

I understand why you decided to go on a diet, but you do need to eat more when you're working as hard as you are, especially with all the mental fatigue you're definitely going to endure what with the English proficiency test and the driving classes in addition to uni in general. So... think about it.

Change is always hard and always scary, so thinking (or overthinking it) doesn't mean you fail; it's natural. In fact, you're doing a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for, what with the coursework, the labs and everything else. And if you feel you're getting mentally exhausted, give yourself a break. You don't have to do everything - you're only obligated to yourself. So stop and take a breath. Ganbatte!

And, as always, I'm just a text/email/IM away, so if you ever want to talk... ilu ireface ♥

[jasj.livejournal.com]

Beside teh pshycological insecurities tha need to be ignored, everyone at first has to get used to the enviromente and the work, so you can't pretend to be able to know everything on the first try. You're most definitely smart and capable, and your collegues are nice persons, so I really think you just have to ignore that feeling of just being useless. Which is a no brainer I know, but you never say some things ebough. You have to stop worrying about being a bother, especially because you try hard at what you do, and the opportunity that were given to you are all deserved. Do your best and ignore your silly mind ♥

Taking care of yourself is always good and I'm glad you decide to put a goal to reach that is not too far since you're already on the right range for your height.

Good luck ♥♥♥